Gaslighting in Adult Relationships

Gaslighting has become a common phrase in today’s world, but it can be used in ways that are not exactly gaslighting. So, how do you know if you are being gaslit?

What is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is basically crazy making. It typically happens in abusive relationships, relationships where one (or both) partner has an addiction, or if one partner has narcissistic tendencies. It can be a defense strategy (he says "I wasn’t drunk", when he obviously was), a form of manipulation ("I'm worried about you. I hope you haven't told anyone, they'll think you're crazy"), or a result of limited attunement or empathy ("you're just being sensitive"). Sometimes it's blatant. Sometimes it's more tricky to spot. Either way, it has an impact on your health and vitality and is a pattern that needs attention and effort to change.

Because one effect is lack of trust in your perceptions, if you’re being gaslighted, you may be second guess if you’re actually being gaslighted. Here’s a list by Robin Stern, PhD to help.

Signs you may be being gaslighted:                        

• You are constantly second-guessing yourself.

• You start to question if you are too sensitive.

• You often feel confused and have a hard time making simple decisions.

• You find yourself constantly apologizing.

• You can’t understand why you’re so unhappy.

• You often make excuses for your partner’s behavior.

• You feel like you can’t do anything right.

• You often feel like you aren’t good enough for others.

• You have the sense that you used to be a more confident, relaxed and happy person. You withhold information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain things                               

If you suspect your partner, or someone else in your life, is gaslighting you, we are here to help. Get in touch and start getting help today. 

Make Your Workout Work For You

So many people resolve to up their fitness game in the new year. Whether your a beginner or a pro, you can get more bang for your workout buck by being mindful with these couple tips.

Tips for a Mindful Workout

1. Focus on what you're doing

   Don't let your mind wander. Let your workout be a break from the anxieties, sadness, regrets and existential angst of your day. Focusing on the moment also helps with getting in the zone and crushing your workout. And crushing a workout motivates you to show up and crush it tomorrow too. You're also less likely to trip on a rock on the trail or trip over a dumbbell in the gym if you're paying attention and not daydreaming or freaking out in your head. Some ideas of places to put your focus:

   • Count Reps

   • Count your cadence on a run or bike

   • Listen to music

   • Take in your surroundings

   • Pay attention to your breath

   • Focus on your form and movement

   2. Practice gratitude

   Notice how your body works. If you got your ass up and out to do an activity that involves working your body, you have a lot to be grateful for! Your body works. You have enough time and money to participate. You are doing something healthy for yourself. You are getting fitter and stronger, physically and mentally.

**Bonus points for adding an extra lift to your workout. Try lifting the corners of your mouth. Smile. You don't have to. But you can. So why not!?!

New Year, Meh You

Anyone else noticing a serious funk going around? Maybe you're in it too. Tired. Unmotivated. Fatigued. Bored. Maybe even downright depressed. The hope and expectations of a "new year, new year" vibe can add salt to the wound. But we're still in the trenches with COVID and political turmoil. And the holidays had an added tension with navigating a special time that’s usually spent with family but while under the restrictions of social distancing. Plus, whatever stuff is going on that’s specific to you. It makes sense that a lot of us have a big old case of "not feeling it"!

So, what to do?

Acknowledge Your Funk with as Little Judgement as Possible

Don't deny it or judge it. It's understandable. And it's not wholly unique to you. You're not alone.  Then, let's control what we can control. Let's start with your physical wellbeing. If your body feels like shit, how can you expect to be super stoked on life? So, I'm talking about managing food, water and exercise. Try limiting drugs and alcohol that may provide momentary relief but increase lethargy, anxiety, and depression (including caffeine, nicotine, and excessive sugar). Try to maintain a sleep routine. Get sunshine daily. Take a few moments each day to breathe deeply or meditate, even a little goes a long way. 

On a more social/emotional front, there's a lot we still can control at this point. It's important to maintain social interactions...even if it’s not what it was in "the before times", do what you can to connect in a safe/socially distanced way with zoom or phone or outdoor meetings.

Do Small Daily Things to Build Joy

This could look like hobbies, music, TV, being in nature, etc. Find your joy and chase it.

Infuse Some Novelty

Try a new takeout restaurant, go to a new location to take a walk, read a new book. Try something new and bring novelty and sponenaiety into your life. This might help combat the boredom you are feeling.

And, don't forget, it’s ok to not have it all together and to need help. We are here and would love to support you and give more tools for this tough time. We are offering virtual therapy sessions to accommodate everyone and every need.

How to Deal with New Year's Resolutions If You Have an Eating Disorder

In the beginning of every year there is a societal pressure to reinvent yourself in a new way. There is a surge of ads for weight loss programs and fitness apps that sends a message that you need to be a “new you.” In surveys about new year’s resolutions, about half of people stated that they wanted to lose weight. But these changes are easier said than done, and they can be triggering for those with eating disorders.

Disordered Eating and Resolutions

The difficulty of following through on new habits doesn’t disappear just because it is a new year, and what started as self-improvement becomes an exercise in self-punishment.  

Diet culture runs rampant in the beginning of every year, but creating “resolutions” that involve goal weights, restricted eating and fad diets, or obsessively working out can cause more stress and give people larger problems than they might think. Creating goals surrounding a number can make people obsess in an unhealthy way. It can start people down a path of disordered eating or disordered working out that can cause more stress and more anxiety than they are ready for.

How to Deal with Triggering Resolutions

Resolutions that involve weight loss can be extremely triggering to those who are in recovery. If you are someone who is in recovery, stand up for yourself and tell the people around you that you don’t want to hear about any resolutions that deal with weight loss or exercise. Stay off of social media if possible. Listen to anit-diet podcasts that help affirm your new ways of thinking about food and exercise. If you can’t avoid it and have found that you are triggered and thinking more about your own body in ways you are trying to get away from, reach out to your therapist for help.

New Year, Same You

Because the pandemic, politics, working from home, and other societal issues have caused more stress for most of us, this January is a perfect opportunity to forget the results-oriented resolutions or reinventing yourself and make a new kind of promise to yourself. Think about what is truly important in your life, what makes you happy, or what helps you thrive and make a commitment to prioritize this. 

If you work from home , now is a good time to reevaluate your boundaries around this activity. You may have lost touch with some family or friends during the stress of the last few years and you want to reprioritize these relationships. Maybe you’ve seen someone take up a new skill or hobby in the past few years that you think would be fun to try. 

2025 New Year Resolution Ideas: 

• Chase joy

• Keep a gratitude journal

• Do more of something you love 

• Commit to a better work-life balance

• Be more present 

• Focus on the positive

• Connect with family and friends more often

This year try something new. Instead of focusing on the things you don’t like, embrace what makes you happy, what you already like about yourself, or what you already have and resolve to foster more of it in your life. 

Holiday Survival Tips: Building Your Emotional Resiliency - Part 2 of 2

In Part 1 of this series I broke the news to you that holidays are stressful (you're welcome!) and I took you through some ways to lengthen your emotional fuse by take care of your physical self. So now that you're treating any illness, eating balanced, working out regularly, sleeping well, and avoiding cigarettes and coffee (right!?! we're all skill ninjas on that front, right!?!? good!).

4 Tips to Build Emotional Resilience

So this time I'm gonna give some more skills to make you more psychologically resilient. These aren't one and done, quick fix, cure all's. But, if done regularly, they can help you ride out the emotional shit storms that come around.

1. Build mastery. It's hard to feel confident and grounded when everything in your day feels incomplete or stressful or too challenging. Do at least one thing a day that makes you feel confident and competent. For me, it's making my bed or playing a game of "words with friends" or checking off an errand on a to-do list.

2. Practice gratitude. Studies have repeatedly proven the psychological benefits of gratitude on mood and cognition. You can write it down or say it out loud, but don't just keep it in your head. I like writing down 5-10 gratitude every morning but doing a less structured and more spontaneous practice works too.

3. Breathe deeply. Breathing calms the nervous system and promotes ability to think clearly and process events and emotions. Often we go about our day on auto pilot, not breathing well. Breathing deeply roots you in the present moment. You know you're breathing deeply if you can hear the air come in and out of your nose and if you can feel your belly rise and fall with each inhalation and exhalation.

4. Laugh. You don't have to, but you can. And if you can, why not!?! Laughing doesn't mean everything's ok. It simply means you're embracing the lite and fun and silly parts of life too. So watch that funny show, listen to your favorite comedian, call your funny friend, watch ridiculous YouTube videos of babies cracking up at cats falling down...Whatever it is that helps you get your laugh on, go for it!

And, if you need more help, please contact us. We'd love to support you and your family. We are offing virtual therapy sessions during this difficult time.

Holiday Survival Tips: Building Your Emotional Resiliency - Part 1 of 2

News flash: The holidays are stressful! Especially when you’re also dealing with a pandemic and navigating social distancing in a time of social events and gatherings! You're gonna need as long an emotional fuse as you can get to manage family, friends, work, shopping, and all the emotions that this time of year can dig up.

5 Tips to Emotionally Survive the Holidays

Here's part one of two, on how to build your emotional resiliency. These suggestions are based on Marsha Linehan's DIalectical Behavior Therapy skills. This set addresses ways to keep your outer warrior (your body) strong so it can protect and serve your inner warrior (your heart and mind).

1. Treat physical illness. This is not a time to just suck it up, walk it off, and pretend you're superhuman. If you are physically run down, you are more susceptible to being emotionally run down. So take those vitamins, get lots of water and rest, see the doctor sooner than later.

2. Eat moderately and healthfully. If you're on a strict diet or if you're over-indulging on the regular, you will be more likely to have big, overwhelming emotions. No need to feel sluggish and bloated or deprived and hangry on top of other holiday stressors.

3. Avoid/limit mood altering substances. Unlike the air traffic controller in "Airplane", the holidays are the EXACT right time to quit sniffing glue! Haha. But seriously, while nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, marijuana may help in the moment, they can keep you from appropriately managing your emotions, give you a false sense of your energy, and leave you more frazzled and less grounded in the long run.

4. Get moving. Moderate physical exercise can be a way to distract, unwind, breathe deeply, and release stress. Bonus points if you move in nature, move mindfully, and practice gratitude for your body while you're getting a workout in.

5. Get enough sleep. There's a million things to do and not enough time to do it. Trust me, I get it. And, to be able to participate as fully and meaningfully in the activities and not burn out early, sleep is important. Try to get in a routine, focus on sleep hygiene, and prioritize sleep.

You won't/ can't be perfect at all this. That's not even the point. The point is: when possible, be as thoughtful as you can be about protecting (and lengthening, when possible) that emotional fuse.

We're here to help too. Don't put off getting more support. Contact us or book an appointment today.

Finding Your Center in Hectic Holiday times

On-going wars, the election, and now holidays!?! Yikes!! Plus whatever is going on in your family, work, personal life, and just in your own body!?! Gross! Life is definitely lifing these days! 

There’s so much going on to trigger us and knock us off center. It’s easy to find yourself in the past or future or zoned out into outer space. 

When we get too stressed we go into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn (reflexive people pleasing). We feel anxious or depressed. We avoid people. We rage on people. We people please or fix people. We try to change how we feel with addictions to drugs or alcohol or food or sex or shopping or whatever. 

And since it’s the holiday season, we’re supposed to hang out with family and be grateful and generous in the middle of this!?! 

That’s a tall/impossible ask when we’re in a trauma/stress response and our bodies are super dysregulated and don’t feel safe or connected. Fight/flight/freeze/fawn don’t include gratitude or generosity much less holiday party small talk. They’re for survival. They’re for surviving an avalanche or attack from a bear. You don’t sit down for turkey or think of gifts for loved ones or enjoy your ugly Christmas sweater party when you’re braced for disaster and just trying to live. But if we’re not tending to our nervous system and regulating it out of a trauma/stress response, this is basically what our bodies think we’re trying to do. No wonder life can feel overwhelming! 

But it doesn’t have to be like that. If you’re reading this, you’re probably under stress but not in an imminently dangerous situation that would require flight/flight/freeze/fawn. Regardless of your fears or feelings or projections or memories, you’re probably physically safe. If that’s true, a trauma response is not necessary or appropriate for the moment. We just need to catch your body and nervous system up to this fact. 

Here’s a gift from me to you. A simple exercise to find safety in the moment and in yourself so you can be with people in a connected and in the moment in a way that feels not only tolerable but maybe even…gasp…enjoyable. 

Tips to be in the Moment 

1. Find a quiet and comfy place to sit. If possible let yourself relax into the chair or bed or floor and let yourself feel held. Bonus points if you can let your head rest and feel held. 

2. Take a breath and look around the room you’re in. Don’t just move your eyes, move your body. Find the exits. Notice and lable to yourself that in this moment and in this space you are safe. 

3. Take a breath and let the awareness of the safety impact you and your body. Where can you feel it or where can you let yourself feel it in your body? Maybe you breathe deeper and let out a sigh, maybe you loosen your jaw, maybe you yawn, maybe your shoulders drop or close your eyes or wiggle your toes. Let yourself feel the safety of the moment. 

4. You might notice gratitude or tears or a desire to move. Play around with what comes immediately after you notice safety and do what feels nice. 

5. Rinse and repeat. Keep staying anchored in the safety of the room and let it impact you. If you find places in your body that won’t settle or get more tense or numb, notice that and then return your focus to a place in your body that can feel safe. 

This is one practice. It doesn’t solve everything. But being able to find some regulation gives your body a little rest and also opens up more options to navigate life outside of fight/flight/freeze/fawn. If you need help beyond this practice, please reach out or book an appointment.

Mindfulness Exercises to Try for the Holidays

Can you believe we are almost to the holiday season? I mean, it is Right. Around. The. Corner! Holidays can be tough, especially after last year when we were stuck at home with no family allowed. This year might be interesting - you might find yourself getting triggered around family more easily, or getting frustrated with people you normally don’t, or even find yourself stressed being around a lot of people in social situations.

Mindfulness Exercises to Try

Here's a list of mindfulness techniques to help refocus and calm your nervous system when you are stressed this holiday season:

1. Acknowledge what is happening with you at the moment without judging it. Observing and describing a thought or feeling or sensation creates space from that thought. If you can observe it, you aren't fused with it and you have the ability to change it. Examples: say to yourself "I notice anger/sadness/fear/joy", "I notice my thoughts are fast and scattered/I'm stuck on this same thought/my brain feels foggy/my mind feels clear/etc", "I notice my fists are clenched/breathing is tense/legs are jittery/shoulders feel weighed down/my body feels calm/etc". Don't get stuck in the content of thoughts. Just notice and let it go.

2. Get physical exercise if possible (cardio, weights, boxing, climbing, yoga, etc. are all great). Don't just exercise but focus on whatever thoughts come up. Have your movement or your breath or the scenery be the focal point of your attention. If your mind wanders to the past or future, bring it back to the activity in the moment.

3. If you find yourself obsessing or overthinking, give your brain a task. Some examples: Label objects in the room, list objects alphabetically (a is for apple, b is for ball, etc), count from 100 to 1 by 7s (100, 92, 85, etc), sing a song in your head, label your breathing ("breathing in, breathing out, breathing in, etc")

4. Practice Four Square Breathing. Breathe in for a count of 4, hold breath 4 counts, breathe out for a count of 4, hold 4 counts. Repeat 4 times

5. Progressive muscle relaxation. Squeeze and release body parts. Start with feet and work your way up. Focus on body parts associated with fight or flight (feet, legs, stomach, hands, shoulders, jaw. 

None of these are magic, they take practice. Practice as much as possible so these skills are available to you when you're stressed. If you still need help dealing with stress, depression, or anxiety, please reach out to us. We would love to speak with you.

Namaste!

Holiday Survival Tips: How to Manage Family Conflict

If you’re like most people, you like to spend time with your family around the holidays even though some of them drive you a little crazy. Here are some tips for handling conflictual situations you might find yourself in when spending time with family. 

Control Your Flooding

We experience flooding when we have a surge of adrenaline and emotions that impacts us physically and mentally. We either freeze in fear or launch into a fight. Instead of either of those, the goal is to recognize we’re feeling flooded and calm ourselves. You can try deep breathing, walking, getting some space, going outside, or actively trying to relax your muscles. 

Set Your Boundaries During the Holidays

This means only taking care of your side of the street and asking other adults around you to do the same. Setting a boundary can help you keep your integrity even while others around you may be asking you to compromise it. This may look like you declining to talk about something you know will lead to conflict, walking away from a tense situation, or restating what you are willing and not willing to do. 

Negotiate with Your Family Member

Maybe there is a way you can compromise so you both get what you need. If someone in your family wants to chat but it’s not a conversation you want to have, try changing the subject or asking if you can talk when it’s a better time. If someone criticizes how you are doing something around the house, ask if they’d like to help you do it. You might be surprised by the compromises your family members are willing to make.

If you remember to not let your emotions get the best of your when you’re flooded, avoid falling into old family patters by setting your own boundaries, and negotiate something you’re willing to execute with your family member, you can enjoy more of the time you spend with your family this holiday. 

If you find yourself needing more help this holiday season, please reach out so we can help you through this.

Inherent Goodness vs Bad Behavior

So you cheated/lied/were mean….

You messed up. 

But what if you were still inherently “good”?? 

I’m not talking about toxic positivity. It’s not “all good and good vibes only”. Not all behaviors are good. Not all behaviors are excusable or should continue. 

When I’m talking about the idea that you’re still a basically good human, I’m not saying you didn’t mess up and couldn’t/shouldn’t do better. You should still take accountability. You should still apologize. You should still repair. 

Repairing a Relationship with “Goodness”

Repair is key. And repair is the place where we NEED you to still be “good”. 

When you can hold onto your basic goodness, you’re not coming to the repair conversation steeped in shame. When you’re still good and not super shamey, you listen better, take accountability better, and can be more creative with solutions. 

When you can hold onto your basic goodness, you can also hold your own feelings and needs better and advocate for them more effectively.

What Does the “Bad” Behavior Mean?

If you’re basically good, we can say that maybe the “bad” behavior was probably understandable (not that it’s ok but that it makes sense) and was probably rooted in some unmet need or fear.  If we just say you’re bad and the behavior was bad, we might not explore why you did what you did in the first place. This leaves you returning to the same environment or relationship dynamic that led you to lie or cheat or say something mean or whatever in the first place. So then you either do it again or do some other unhealthy behavior or have to leave. None of which are great options. 

If you’re good, you can say “hey, I’m sorry I did what I did and I will take accountability and consequences for that. ALSO, I can take accountability for not sharing my feelings or needs that I was trying to manage or avoid by doing what I did.  My needs are valid, can we talk about those too so this feels better for me long term as well?” Sometimes it’s just as vulnerable to ask for needs as it is to apologize and secure relationships require both kinds of vulnerability to keep intimacy alive and growing.

If You Knew You Were “Good” 

You don’t have to wait to fuck up to practice embodying and owning and acting from your own existing goodness. Even now, as soon as you’re reading this, ask yourself “if I knew I was good, what would I do?”  Maybe you’d sit up straighter or look someone in the eye. Maybe you’d feed yourself well or go take a walk or take a nap. Maybe you’d get in touch with that friend or give your partner a random hug. Maybe you’d ask for help or maybe you’d offer help. Maybe you’d say sorry. Maybe you’d tell someone you’re hurt and give them the chance to apologize. 

Or a million other things. 

You’re already good, so get creative! 

If you are still struggling and need someone to talk to, I am here to help. Book a session today.

We Don’t Talk Anymore: Why Families Cut Each Other Off And How To Deal With It

Understanding Family Estrangement

Over the past few years I have had more and more parents seeking my help after their adult child has cut themselves out of their lives. These are not family members who had a nasty fight and have decided not to speak afterwards, instead these parents are often confused as to exactly what caused their adult child to cut themselves out of their lives. They also typically feel hurt, afraid, powerless, blindsided and maybe even betrayed by their child’s decision. There are typically a number of complicated factors that play into why a person might choose to cut themselves off from their family. 

Common Reasons for Family Cutoff

Family cutoff is common, and often a healthy choice, when there is toxic parenting, abuse, or uncontrolled addiction within the family. At least 25% of American adults are currently estranged from a family member. However, family estrangement and cutoff are becoming more common for less severe reasons. More and more adult children are cutting ties with their parents for reasons their parents do not fully understand. Often this is a last resort for an adult child with hurt feelings that are not validated or boundaries that are repeatedly crossed, and it is likely they feel as though cutting off their parent(s) is the only way to take back control of their life. 

Other common reasons for family division include holding on to perceived slights from the past (including past divorce or perceived differences in treatment of one’s siblings), disagreements about money, or allegiance to a new spouse over one’s parents. As opposed to the more severe reasons for family cutoff, these conflicts mostly come down to the inability to resolve conflict, communicate in a healthy manner, and to listen effectively to one another. 

How Cultural Shifts Impact Family Relationships

As a culture our shift toward increased mobility, a focus on personal well-being, and prioritizing individual fulfillment means that many are less reliant on relatives than in previous generations. Joshua Coleman, an author on family cutoff, writes, “today nothing ties an adult child to a parent beyond that adult child’s desire to have that relationship.” 

Decades ago when children were “seen and not heard,” parents demanded respect, expected certain behaviors, and didn’t much care what their children thought of their parenting. This relationship was dutiful but distant and similar dynamics carried through into the child’s adulthood. Contrast this with the more active parenting of today where parents are much more likely to be highly involved in their child’s life and spend more with their child than previous generations. 

Most of today’s parents hope for more genuine connection with their children than they had with their parents and aspire for this closeness to continue even after their child leaves home. Whereas prior generations were mostly afraid to have a child who never left home, today’s parents are more likely to fear that their child will never return after leaving. An unintended consequence of this dynamic is that some parents who are highly involved in their child’s life invest less time in themselves and their other relationships or interests, which leads the parent to want a closer relationship with their only focus - their child. This usually backfires because the child feels overwhelmed and smothered by their parent’s need for closeness causing them to want to escape. 

Divisions over Values

Western society has also become more politically and culturally divided than ever and families are following this pattern. Value differences related to disagreements of opinion about sexual orientation, gender identity, religious beliefs, politics, and race has been cited as the cause of family estrangement by more than one in three mothers in the U.S.. Most recently, family disagreements regarding how to navigate the current political climate and the COVID-19 pandemic have led to an increase in family cutoff.

Pathways to Reconciliation

But there is good news. Family cutoff is rarely permanent and family members often cycle through phases of estrangement, distanced contact, and reconciliation. While it might be tempting to avoid uncomfortable conversations and hope that the situation solves itself, the healthiest solution is for both parties to work on their communication so that they can resolve some of their differences, even if they agree to disagree about certain things. 

Parents who can listen without defensiveness and empathize with their adult child’s feelings have a far greater chance of repairing their relationship. Adult children who can recognize that their parents are likely doing the best they can with the tools they have are more likely to understand that mistakes their parents made are not personal, but are instead part of being human. 

What to Do Next and When to Go Seek Professional Help

Moving forward requires an acceptance of where you and your family members are at without accepting their hurtful behavior. Everyone has a right for their feelings to be heard and validated without an immediate counter-attack. If it feels like starting this type of conversation is going to be potentially more harmful rather than helpful, it may be best to seek help from a professional who can act as a neutral mediator and help facilitate a healthy exchange. Licensed family therapists (who carry the LMFT credential) are specifically trained for this kind of work. You can also read more about family cutoff and estrangement on your own from some experts: 

• Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict by Joshua Coleman

• Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Andrew Pillemer

• Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective by Kylie Agliias

• Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation by Fran Schumer Chapman

If you decide that you are ready to address your family cutoff issues, we are here to help. Our therapist, Kate, specializes in navigating this issue with families and you can book a free 15 minute consultation with here.

Should I Send a Dick Pic?

Before we begin this strange journey, please note that I have changed many facts to conceal identities.

The fact that I even feel the need to write this post is absurd. This happens daily to people who receive them but they have NO desire to actually see a dick pic. If you do, fine, but set up that agreement before you just assume that somebody wants to see your junk.  Just a friendly reminder, folks, that things you send over text, email, and most forms of online anything, are now stored someplace FOREVER. Plus, sending these to a minor, no matter what your age, you are now a criminal and you can be arrested and labeled a pedofile for the rest of your life. It’s a terrible idea. DON’T DO IT.

Here’s the story.  My friend was over yesterday and a man sent her an unsolicited dick pic.  UNSOLICITED.  And not just ANY man.  She knows the number and she knows who it is from, but she thought there was no way it was from HIM. The man is her ex father-in-law.  For real. Yes, you can laugh, we were rolling on the floor even though we were totally grossed out.  I mean how stupid can you be?!  It turns out that people can be 

REALLY REALLY REALLY STUPID 

The problem with technology is that you make one tiny mistake and the mother of your Goddaughter gets the pic that you were trying to send to an affair partner, which in itself is not a good idea, see paragraph #1. Or your wife sees the inappropriate text you sent to your business partner.  Or your husband sees the text from your affair partner at 5 AM because you forgot to turn off your phone.  Or the texts from your almost affair partner pop up on your home computer because you turned on all the notifications everywhere. STOP DOING THIS!  If you feel the need to step outside of your relationship for any reason and it’s a secret, you are super likely to get caught so just go ahead and end it.  Then you don’t have to be secretive and potentially destroy the other person’s world.  And trust me, worlds are destroyed.  People usually recover in due time, but I can hardly describe the internal devastation that I see in my office on a weekly basis.  It’s heart wrenching.

Back to our story.  So now my friend is stuck with a big disgusting unsolicited mess on her hands. Does she tell her ex husband? Does she text her ex-father-in-law back? What if her son had seen those pics, or worse what if they had been sent to him?  This is his grandfather for crying out loud.

Here’s what actually happened next.  After we laughed our asses off, and got mostly over being totally grossed out, she texted him back and said she wasn’t sure what to do about this.  Then the most hilarious thing happened.  He texted back, “disregard.”  WHAAAT!?!?  OMG, on what planet can one disregard and unsee a dick pic?  More rolling on the floor.

While we are on the subject of bad ideas, here are two other online things that will get you in trouble…

Creating a facebook page to “meet new friends”. Facebook will figure out who you already know and message those people to ask if they want to be friends with you. Now your little secret profile isn’t a secret.

You are having an affair and decide it’s OK to text. Oh shoot, you forgot that your texts pop up on your computer. And your ipad. And your husband knows that “Jane” doesn’t send you sexy texts and pics. Busted.

You decide to send cute emojis to a co-worker and your wife sees them, you never send her cute emoji’s.  DUMB.

If this scares you, well it should. Do not conduct personal “business” over your phone, your email, social media, etc… If you are struggling in your relationship, that is normal normal normal. Partnerships struggle all the time, it’s part of the journey. If something is missing for you,let us help you figure it out andhow to go about getting your needs met without putting you and your relationship in danger. #nodickpics

How to Start Reparenting Yourself

There’s a lot of talk about reparenting yourself in therapy. A lot of that talk comes from me, to be honest, because I think it’s crucial in healing. A lot of what’s ruptured in trauma and depression and eating disorders and addictions is our relationship with ourselves. We become neglectful at best, abusive at worst. This lack of care for ourselves not only leads to worsening our mental health symptoms, but it erodes our trust in ourself and love for ourself. And why would you fight as hard as it often takes to fight for your mental health if you don’t trust or love yourself!?

The relationship with the self also impacts our relationships with others. If we don’t know what we feel and what we need, how are we going to communicate that with others? We’re going to be resentful when our needs aren’t met or others can’t help us. We might also be resentful and jealous and judgemental of others who can know their needs and ask for them to be met. 

Tips on How to Start Reparenting Yourself 

While “reparenting yourself” is a cute idea, what does it mean? It can be overwhelming and feel impossible to know what to do, especially if we don't have good models of healthy parenting. Because of this, I’m sharing some basic buckets of healthy parent behaviors. Even if you don’t know what being a good parent to yourself FEELS like, you can start with what it behaviorally LOOKS like and act your way into the feeling part. Here are some tips to help with the process:

1. Take care of basic needs in a balanced way. 

One of the first things caregivers do to take care of us and show love is taking care of our basic needs. They feed us and clean us and help us sleep. This is one of the ways we can take care of ourselves and show ourselves love as well. Even if you’re not feeling like it or feeling like you like yourself, you can still do self care. Sometimes that’s ALL you can do! Get to bed at a reasonable time, eat balanced meals and don’t skip meals or eat too much, get some sunshine, take a shower, take medicine as prescribed, etc. Hopefully you’re already doing these things. But either way, when you do them, do them as an act of love and care. 

2. Take time to play and treat yourself. 

Stressed parents can neglect this or shame it or be overwhelmed by a kid's play. Maybe the roles are reversed and, instead of being a playful kid, the kid turns into the caregiver. Being an adult in a capitalist society can reinforce lack of playfulness. Add mental health and stress issues and play can be hard as adults. If we have trauma, play is especially hard because to play is to let your guard down. But letting ourselves engage in play (which can look like art, hobbies, sports, parties, etc) is super important. Nurturing caregivers delight in the play of their kids. They know that joy and laughter are important and support exploration of fun. When we’re reparenting ourselves it’s important for us to play.  If you already do sports or hobbies, label it as play and see if you can bring the “play” vibe to those activities. If you are noticing as you read this that you don’t play, it can be helpful to do what you did as a kid or think about what your friends do for fun and try that and explore what feels fun to you. 

3. Take time to rest and be cozy. 

Nurturing ourselves is the opposite of hustle culture. Society tells us that our worth is in what we do and achieve and how busy we are. But what baby was industrious? What baby was on their grind? Yet they’re maybe the easiest humans to love! And it would be wild if their mom loved them by sending them to work and making them be productive! Instead we love babies by letting them rest and snuggle and be comfortable. We can love ourselves the same way. Nurture yourself by taking a nap, letting yourself rest, wrapping yourself up in a blanket or comfy sweats and not having to do a certain thing or look a certain way to be good enough. 

4. Pay attention and check in. 

Some parents are absent or busy or dismissive. As adults we can be that way with ourselves. We just go about our days oblivious to what we’re doing and how we’re feeling or what we need. Or we notice it and shame it. Or we focus on others or food or we drink away our feelings. We become neglectful. Being a good parent to yourself involves paying attention.

Some exercises I like can be taking a few minutes a day to journal or doing a body scan and seeing how your body feels and where you might be holding pain or tension as well as what parts of your body feel good. Even if you feel numb and have a hard time noticing how you feel, keep at it. It can also be helpful to think about what happened during the day and guess how one might feel. For example, if I review my day and notice that I didn’t sleep well last night and had a tough meeting with my boss and sat in traffic and haven’t talked to any friends today, it's fair to guess I feel stressed and maybe lonely. I can assume that my shoulders might be tense and my heart may be heavy or my head may be foggy. Then see if that fits. See if any part of my body perks up as I label the emotions. 

5. Protect Yourself and Your Boundaries

Harness that mama-bear energy because reparenting isn’t just soft and squishy. Sometimes it needs to be fierce. We didn’t all get parents who were willing or able to protect us. Some of us even had parents who were the ones who harmed us. When this happens it’s easy to have a hard time standing up for ourselves and leaving harmful situations. We may not have felt worthy of being protected or we may have felt that our assertiveness would be punished or that our anger (which fuels our assertiveness) was scary or dangerous if we saw other people’s anger be scary or dangerous. But when we’re reparenting ourselves we must not wait for others to rescue us, we need to protect ourselves.  We need to harness our anger and not repress it. Protecting ourselves might look like having a hard conversation. This may be asking for a raise or asking neighbors to be quiet so you can sleep. It may mean you suggest therapy for you and your partner or end a relationship. It may mean that you share with your friend that you’re hurt and upset by them canceling plans or habitually being late. If any of these feel too big to jump into right off the bat, you can write out a script or imagine saying what you need to say and see how that feels. Often it can be a little scary but also exciting and relieving. The more we do it, the easier it gets. That protective energy either goes in or out. If we don’t speak our truth and stand up for ourselves, that energy turns inward and looks like chronic stress and dis-ease. Anxiety, depression, and digestive issues can often come with not protecting ourselves effectively. It also erodes our self trust and self worth. 

A word of warning: this is harder than it looks. Not only does it take a lot of thought and energy, it is confronting work. You might notice feeling that it’s stupid or that you aren’t worth it or it doesn’t matter. These are often thoughts on the way to the deep grief that you didn’t get these things as a kid. You needed them and didn’t get them. Ironically feeling the sadness and grief of noticing how much you needed and didn’t get is a step towards that compassion and self-love you want. It’s also an opportunity to practice being a good parent in the midst of that grief. As you’re exploring this concept, journaling and questioning is a great way to continue the process.

Reparenting Yourself Journaling Prompts

1. Think of a time when you were a kid where you had a need or a big feeling and a caregiver nailed it and was present. This might give you clarity on what you can do for yourself even as an adult. 

or 

2. think of a time where they missed it and imagine what you could have done instead

or

3. imagine a friend or a child or your child came to you with a similar situation, what would you say? More importantly, what would you do? 

Even with all these thoughts and suggestions, I get that this is still a super complex topic. Feel free to ask for help! Healthy parents are resourceful parents who ask for help. Nothing says you should or need to figure it out on your own. Get in touch and we can work on it together! 

How to Tell Your Partner You Want Couples Counseling

Telling your spouse or partner you want to go to couples counseling can be really tricky for some people. In fact, I often get calls from people asking this very question. They know they need help but aren’t sure how to approach their partner and they aren’t sure what to say.  

Tell Your Partner You Want Couples Counseling

First, make it about you. Do not make it about them. Try something like this: “I am having trouble communicating with you and think I need some help in figuring this out. I think it would be great if we both went together. We could get a few tips and some new skills. What do you think?” Or:  “I would love to learn how to approach you in a new way so that maybe you can hear me better. And sometimes I don’t do a good job of hearing or listening to you either.  Would you be willing to go to couples counseling with me?” Or: “Honey, we know we are both really struggling right now, we have the same fights over and over. I think this is at least a 50 / 50 thing between us and I think we could use a little help here. I don’t think either one of us is to blame. How would you feel about some couples therapy to get us both back on track?”

Don’t Point Fingers

If you make it about the other person, you are assigning blame. Nobody wants to be the bad guy. Plus, the research shows that when couples are in conflict, it is almost always a 50 / 50 deal where no one person is more at fault.  

What’s best is if you can pinpoint the things you want to work on personally and name them.  Perhaps you want to figure out how to be more flexible, a bit more forgiving, not running away when things get tough, learning how to control your temper, not lashing out when the dish is left in the sink (it’s never about the dish anyway).

Talk and Listen With and Open Mind

Another option is letting your partner know that you sense this pattern that gets played out over and over again and you want to figure out how to jump out of it before it takes over again.  Think of the pattern as a weapon that is wounding each of you.  We can lay the weapon on the table and disarm both of you.  When we know what we are dealing with (the weapon, the pattern), we can then tease it apart and put you both back on the path to success so that you can thrive in your relationship.  

Ready to start working on your relationship? Call us today so we can help you and your partner get back to where you want to be.

Bored in Your Relationship? Maybe it's Because You're Boring!

A cause of stress, complaints, and unrest I hear is usually because couples feel bored with their relationship. At its best, it leaves people feeling stale. At its worse, it leaves people leaving the relationship, having affairs, or creating excitement/numbing boredom with addictions (food, gambling, drugs, alcohol, shopping...).

So how can we avoid that, or at least decrease the likelihood of that??

Don't be boring! Create excitement. Create novelty.

When people first start dating, their brains are lit up by the newness of the relationship. You're meeting a new person and finding out about their personality, their quirks, their interests. You're exploring your chemistry and how to be intimate and sexual with each other. You're probably going on dates and trying new restaurants or hikes or vacation spots. New new new!

Then familiarity and routine set in. While this can provide comfort, it can lead to neglect of people's need for novelty and excitement. Enter boredom!

So, here’s a hot tip to help when you are bored in your relationship:

Proactively create novelty! Go on dates! Experiment with sex! Tell different stories! Work on new projects together!

Other, not so sexy, tip: practice beginner's mind. Beginner's mind is a mindfulness concept of dropping preconceptions and engaging in life and interactions as if it’s your first time. Don't be a know-it-all. Don't buy whatever same old boring story you come up with about how the day or activity will go. Just be in the moment. Even if it’s just cooking dinner, see what you can learn or notice. See how you can find excitement. Create novelty in the mundane.

How are you planning to create some novelty in your relationship? Here are a few of my favorite blogs from my colleagues that might help with that:

1. A Letter to Your Lover

2. Have Better Sex Tonight with This Trick

3. Staying Connected - Scavenger Hunt

An Emotional Hijacking

An emotional hijacking is something you do to yourself, or rather your amygdala does to you when you get triggered by an unexpected or very unpleasant event.  This happens when your emotions overtake your thought processes and your executive functioning goes offline.  It’s when the smart part of the brain gets beaten by the ancient lizard part.

These moments can be filled with fear or anger or a range of other unpleasant emotions.  Here are some of the reasons people get triggered so quickly:

• Events from the past have not been properly worked though

• Somebody is pushing your buttons

• There are current life stressors you are having difficulty managing

• You have found out devastating news like a partner having an affair

• You and your partner have the same argument over and over

• You have little to no self-care and others always seem to come first

The good news is that we have tools to help you combat these nasty occurrences and get you back on track.  We also have ways to avoid going there in the first place.  If you need help avoiding or working through an emotional stress, then give us a call so we can give you all we know.  But we don’t want to leave you without a few tools.  

First, remember to take several very deep breaths and intentionally notice what is happening.  Realize you are going to that place again and take a step back.  Before your smart brain goes completely offline, do your best to not get lost in the emotional lizard brain.  In the beginning, this takes substantial effort.  After some practice, this becomes much easier.

We would love to give you a plethora of additional tools that we know work wonders.  Call us today!